I need to give up. No matter how hard or how loud i scream and shout, my thoughts and feelings will never be heard. No matter what. Give it up. No one cares.

There was only one way for me to survive this hell, and that was to become friends with my worst nightmares and demons until i was no longer scared of the darkness. It worked. All i want to do now is run through the moon light at night with my brothers escaping reality and its unmeasurable confounds.

- LD

You were supposed to be the one guy i could trust, the one guy who would hold me when i cry and never leave, the one guy i could count on. Now im left, once again, utterly alone.

You were supposed to be the one guy i could trust, the one guy who would hold me when i cry and never leave, the one guy i could count on. Now im left, once again, utterly alone.

Sleeping with other people only momentarily takes my mind off of you, but at the end of every damn day your the only one who can make me feel alive again. Theres something in me growing, manifesting itself until its buried so deep inside me it becomes the very essence of who I am. It took over so quietly nobody even noticed all my laughter and happiness slowly slipping away.

Things got so bad the only joy I could find in life was the drugs that would kill me kinder than a broken heart ever would. My mind as my worst enemy gaining control over my blade as my best friend both teaming up to make me feel alive in the most sick and twisted way, by slowly destroying myself until I am nothing.

Once, I had hope, an innocent child with dreams and a future. Now? I’ll be surprised if i make it to morning. All alone in my world with no one else except my demons.

I feel so fucking empty without you here.. you promised you’d fight for me. The loneliness is starting to consume me, its becoming more and more un controllable and hard to handle. Without you here im starting to lose my mind.. I just.. need someone to come save me.. but your gone..

i just need you.. we only had a cou;le more days to wait until i could see my sould mate again and now im absolutly shattered… :’( i cant stop crying and this pain is unbearable..

Fuck people.
This girl at school was my closest friend for over 6 years, but then i found out that while I was hanging out with her, me and her had been bullying my little sister . I was 12 at the time i was told this. It broke me heart.. Me and this girl had shared everything for 7 years! I loved her and I thought she loved me. She helped me when I was messed up even though I was just young she showed me the ropes and never left my side. Now I have to terminate our friendship that we’d upheld for so long over a problem that I never even knew existed but had to accept that no matter what I thought my sister saw it different. And no matter how I acted it effected her different. That was on me. I had bullied her and although it was usually my friend pulling the strings it was my action that had cause my sister to feel belittled and betrayed and it was my inaction that had caused her to be forced to come to terms with the fact that her big sister who was supposed to be her saviour and protector was abusing her mentally and emotionally. What happened happened, she’s already damaged but oh god I swear I’m trying to make it as easy for her as I can without dedicating my whole life and all of my emotions to her as well.

Maybe Im just not meant to be with.. people :\ People tell me all the time that this is my life, and therefor what i chose to do with it, is up to me. But then as soon as I start to be myself and act a little differently to other people its always talk like this, and dress like that. Act like this, eat  like that, smokes these, wear this, drink this, live this way, dont talk to them, you can only talk to these people, believe in this crap. I’ve had to end relationships with three of my closest best friends and three more boyfriends. These were the people that get me, but I always seemed to be in a position where I have to choose between the only people who I want to hang out with and who get me on a different level or my family. No question, I choose family, And i always will. But I am still just a child and its confusing when one day people are telling me to be me and do what I want and what makes me happy and not to listen to anyone else or change my life for anyone else then the next day then choose who i can and cant see and talk to. I mean i’d be fine with that but the fact that they change the rules all the goddamn time it causes a massive head fuck! In all honesty, I’m living my life right now the way they want me too, not how I want to. 

No one really knows how hard it is for me to try as hard as i can everyday all my life and have it never.. ever be enough. Its just criticism followed by criticism and it all stacks up so heavy my only release is a blade to my skin; but oh wait, other people dont agree with that. Better live my life how they want like it matters how i feel.

I’m just so alone and i cant have people just please can i have my blades! 

LD